Thankfulness in midst of the grief
As I sit here, attempting to type, I honestly don't know what to say. I'm sitting here, watching 2 of my kids work on a "find the differences" book, and my heart feels sad, yet full. You see, these 2 kids just lost their brother last week. Martin had lived with us for a time as well, was a part of our wedding day, and a huge part of this family. We are all grieving. We are all adjusting to the transition of Mayra being back with us, starting over with getting everything she needs, and figuring out how to do life without someone who was a huge part of our lives. Martin cared for his brother and sister so very much. Mayra keeps going over the events after Martin was shot. Manuel said he's having trouble sleeping and thinks a lot about his brother. All normal after such a traumatic loss. This past week has been incredibly difficult and just crazy with one thing after another. This week so far has allowed us to try to get back into a routine and to start to process everything. Yesterday was a really hard day for me. The tears just kept coming. I'm so thankful for Peter being by my side 24/7, our family, our church family, friends both here and in the states, and mom's group for being so encouraging, supportive, and praying for us. As hard as this is, I wouldn't want it any other way than having these kids with us, helping them to grieve at all hours, sharing laughs between the tears. We love these kids so very much. And to think that is only a small fraction of how much God loves us. Mind blowing.
Through all of this, there is a song that has been playing over and over in my head: "Yes I will" by Vertical Worship. I've listened to this song on repeat a few weeks before everything that happened this past week. And during this grieving process, I keep thinking about the lyrics, "Yes, I will lift you high in the lowest valley...Yes, I will sing for joy when my heart is heavy." That's where I'm at right now with my family. We are in a low valley after losing Martin and our hearts are so heavy. This grieving process is messy. We can go from laughing to crying to ok to laughing again to can't stop crying. It's going to take time. I know that. Yet, I am having trouble at times allowing myself that grace. I need to allow myself grace, patience, time to heal. Time to even process what all happened. Each time Mayra talks about what happened, she tells more of the events after she was woken up by her father and shown Martin, lying on the ground outside, shot. It's overwhelming at times. What the future will look like, how to grieve and process this all, how to make it through the next moments. But, God continues to show his faithfulness. He has provided the funds needed for this transition with Mayra moving back in with us, the funds needed for Martin's wake, funeral, and preparing for the funeral. He has sent amazing people to stand by our sides through this time. He has provided the kids with an amazing support system as well. He has given us comfort when we feel like we can't even get out of bed in the morning. And despite the sadness, my heart feels full. I am surrounded by His love and those He's put around us during this time. And for that I'm thankful.
Farm girl/ED nurse just telling it like it is